I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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