none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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