i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
