Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
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He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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