I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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