I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
