oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
