so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
