Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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