I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
