NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
