I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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