She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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