your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
