"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Enjoy the penises
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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