If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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