Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
