I just saw a hot homeless man
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
