So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
