Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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