Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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