if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
