half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
