i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
