Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
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He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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