So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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