I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
