No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
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Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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