i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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