You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
