So drunk its hurt
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I would fuck him just for his dog
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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