i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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