Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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