remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
