theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize