I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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