Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
