Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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