It's like God shit irony all over that family
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
