How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
