I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
