She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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