I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
