you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
