i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
