He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
