if you like me you must not know who I am
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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