addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
