Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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