This is not my ceiling
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
