Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The struggles of a small town man whore
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
