Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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