If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
