I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
