I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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