What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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