those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Sober January is a disaster.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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